i have had something on my mind literally for years...things i've been praying about and just thinking about. have you ever gone through life, and realize there are some things your mama never told you? like going off to college, sooo excited to get away from family, old friends, and start a new adventure...only to find you cant wait to get back to your family, true blue friends, and continue the adventure that you started? when you're so excited to start a new life with your husband, and you are driving hundreds of miles to your honeymoon destination...and it hits you - you really miss your dad?! things like, after you have a baby...you will STILL look like you're pregnant?!
it seems, that some things are best learned the old fashioned way - trial and error. thats how we grow, right? those tough times often make us stronger, increases our trust & faith in God.
i have a difficult time with change. i like things organized, predictable, routine, safe...you get the picture. i'm a person with to-do-lists. multiple calendars. i do not fly by the seat of my pants...that is doug's job.
so, as i have gone through life, i always think "i don't want this to ever end...it's so fun!" they are the stages of life...if you will.
i think back, even growing up... how much fun it was to go camping with my family - feeling safe & secure at that little house on 36th & port sheldon. packing a picnic with kirk & little rachel and eating in the pines. playing at veltemas & eating homemade hot donut sundaes. i could go on and on....it's so fun, Lord...dont let it end.
high school and college were lots of fun...and lots of tears. i longed to be super athletic like some of my girlfriends...i loved sports, but was quite scrawny...and not super-competitive. i'm thankful for the friends i made in high school...i remember being so excited as my parents drove me to college...i remember my grandma & grandpa wood bringing me a christmas tree for my dorm room and a bag of groceries...my mom &brothers coming up for a visit on valentines day and bringing me a new pair of jeans (one of my obsessions!) ...and i did NOT understand why my mom always called my dorm at GVSU and cried....at the time i thought she was crazy...and now i know i will be doing the EXACT same thing!!! i learned some pretty good life lessons while on my own....thats a whole nother post kids.
dating doug & those first years of marriage were sooooo fun. we always communicate real well...and if those first years of marriage were supposed to be difficult...it was made a lot easier by our faith in God...and the simple fact that doug always had me laughing. we were married 5 years before having dawson, and i can recall coming home from work to a quiet, clean house. i remember thinking its too quiet...will i ever hear the sounds of little footsteps & laughter? i say this because i wish i would have cherished that time in my life a little more...it was a stage meant to be just me & doug...friends, snowmobiling, fishing...building our relationship as a couple - nobody dependent on us!
and then came the baby stage.....i loved every second of it! i mean it, the nights when dawson would cry for hours. doug would get up with him and walk him up & down the hall...i didn't think it was possible to love doug more - but i did when i saw him as a father. i love being a mom full-time...i need to pinch myself some days! lord, dont let this stage end...i love it too much, this is what i was meant to do!
i always thought i would have 4 kids...i wanted to be super mom....when it seemed that this was not going to be the case...i cried a lot-and prayed a lot. i would see other moms at the beach or in the store with their 4 kids and wonder "why not me?" i started to compare myself a lot with other moms..."they" seem to have it all together...i felt "less than" because i only had 2 kids - like it reflected my capabilities as a mother if i "only" had 2 kids. i realize now, i was not fully trusting God...and it was a sin to not be thankful for my healthy boys,to be envious of others...not being content with what God DID provide for me....i began to realize that this stage, would be gone in the blink of an eye, too...if i didn't get my act together.
and so, God began to give me a complete peace at where i was in my life. and every day, i am doing my best to live the life he planned for me. i cherish those days of positive pregnancy tests, newborn cries, first steps and so much more! i will hold that stage close to my heart...i will never regret holding them too much, staying home with them every day - even if it meant no fancy cars, sunny vacations, expensive toys- because i chose to stay home and not work.
and so, i embark on a new stage...little league baseball, boys dirtbiking and shooting B-B guns. if you slow down a bit, you realize that each stage is just as precious, just as fun as the last...just different.
God has also revealed something else to me, just lately. maybe i was getting too comfortable with my everyday life...my grandpa has been sick (see previous post) and my uncle mike just had a heart attack and faces some tough days ahead. God has a way of calling us back into the game when we are getting pretty comfortable "sitting the bench".
i wish you all could see my house right now, cuz you would not believe your eyes. there is a fort in every room of my house...no lie. it is 10:30 am and we are all still in our pj's. 3 baskets of laundry are begging to be folded...my linen closet is EMPTY cuz its all in a pile in my living room. my kids just ate jelly beans & chocolate for a snack. my counter is covered with remnants of breakfast. and i laugh when i think of that stage, not too long ago, when i thought my house was too quiet...too clean!!!!
i have learned one thing, Lord. you are with me every step of the way, each stage - whether i'm ready or not....and i'm just gonna roll with it.
"I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation." Isaiah 12:2
Loved reading this Rach, I could read it all day.
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